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This Week's Interview: Greg Lazerwitz NAME: Lazerwitz, Greg TEAM NAME: Somebody's Closer! MEMBER SINCE: 2015 REFERRED BY: Jaeson Becker WHO I WANT TO FINISH LAST: No Vote BIRTHDAY: 2/21/1982 PRESEASON COMMENTS: EMAIL: Tazlaz@gmail.com Dusty: 1) What kind of employee is Phil Ruben? Greg: He's excellent at coming up with ideas that someone suggested five minutes prior. Seldom does he submit projects on time and he always has unrealistic timelines of the marketing department. I think he only gets away with it because our CEO is also from Cincinnati and he bribes her with Graeter's ice cream. But I don't blame her because Graeter's is delicious. Once she retires in 15 years, he'll be in real trouble. 2) Have you ever dated someone from the bowling alley? Be honest. Greg: In St. Louis, no. At Indiana, yes. It was fun while it lasted. Dusty: 3) Will you do the golf league in 2016? If so, why? Greg: Absolutely. (1) I'll gamble on anything. (2) I love checking the website each Sunday to see whether the week was HUGE and if next week is HUGE. My favorite is when both are HUGE. (3) I love challenging myself to see how many mistakes our outdated information I can find on the website. Like how it said divisions would be created after the 2012 British Open. It's like a Highlights puzzle. Dusty: 4) What is your earliest memory of Nino? Greg: Snobby, sleazy, old guy teaching Hebrew school at B'nai Amoona. Oh sorry, that's his current status. My first memory is as a snobby, sleazy, young guy teaching Hebrew school. He wasn't my teacher but we still interacted in the Chapel during group services. Later I became his teaching assistant and class would often times discuss the Cardinals, the Marlins and rasslin'. Dusty: 5) What is your earliest memory of Dusty? Greg: Have we met? Dusty: 6) Do you play golf? Why/why not? Greg: I used to. In the mid-2000s when Last Minute Golf had a deal that if the Rams won, you could book rounds of golf the next day for $0.01, cart included, my friend and I played a lot. I have not swung a club since the day before my college roommate's wedding in 2010. I'd probably tear my quad and tricep if I tried to swing a club now. Dusty: 7) Weirdest thing you've seen in the JCC locker room? Greg: Naked old men playing pool in the old Health Club. It gave a whole new meaning to the phrase 8-ball corner pocket   If you want to be interviewed by Dusty, please contact him at dzhoffma1@gmail.com or on Twitter: @DustyfromSTL Check Out ...more interviews   Click On Photos For Past Interviews Josh Polsky Howie Kremer Michael Traub Jon Oler Bart Berry Dave Hoffman 2/25/01 3/11/01 4/8/01 4/22/01 6/10/01 4/10/02 Andrew Zimmerman Brian Mitchell Aaron Vickar Jeff Small Rodney Niles Jon Hoffman (P1) 4/21/02 2/3/03 4/3/03 10/15/03 4/10/04 4/20/06 Brett Bunsick Jeff Rose Jon Hoffman (P2) Phil Ruben Michael Sherman Tim Boyer 5/07/06 6/10/06 4/03/07 6/17/07 6/21/07 7/22/07 Josh Mentle Jake Lampert Paul Hollander Heather Saltine Kevin Lucas (P1) Dan Galkin 4/13/08 6/13/08 7/26/08 4/12/09 6/22/09 7/05/09 Eli Rousso Dr. Bob Hoffman Tim Spiegelglass Kevin Lucas (P2) Ryan Whitney Leslie Becker 5/09/10 6/20/10 7/18/10 8/16/10 9/11/10 4/11/11 Todd Newstead Kenny Hoffman Seth Cohen Eric Swillinger Chris Amistadi Andy Ruben 6/10/11 4/04/12 6/18/12 4/7/13 6/16/13 7/15/13 AJ Abrams Jerry White Brian Oberman 5/14/14 4/10/15 7/22/15   Past Interviews Interview With Brian Oberman Published on 7/22/2015 Dusty: 1) Where is your last place trophy from this year's NM16? Did you tell your wife about the trophy? Obes: Trophy is melting in my hot ass car right about now. I told my wife about it and she thought we were a bunch of losers. Dusty: 2) Will you participate in a future NM? Why/why not? Obes: Yes I would participate, but not if I have to drive with Spiegelasshole again. Guy brought me down which I think affected my golf game. Dusty: 3) In three sentences, describe Tim "Eagleglass" Spiegelglass' quality of play at this year's NM. Obes: How about 3 words. Awful, horrible, and pathetic. He should have been on Team Code Red the way he played. Dusty: 4) How disappointed were you in your partner this year? What made your team so bad? Obes: Team sport, so not disappointed in my partner at all as Im there to enjoy myself, winning is 2nd on the list. Our team was bad because we were more worried about putting on suntan lotion than making a big shot. Dusty: 5) What is a "Code Red"? Obes: a team of gingers getting skin cancer playing in the hot summer sun. Dusty: 6) If the NM17 was held in a city other than Denver, what would you choose? Obes: French Lick,IN. Was there a couple years ago and it was the perfect setup for a golf trip. Driving distance from St. Louis, has 3 great courses on hotel property, casino, steakhouse, and of course Im sure slutty college girls nearby. Price was very reasonable as well. Dusty: 7) What is your best score ever on 18 holes? Obes: 83, but that was at Forest Park. 85 at a real course that doesnt have geriatrics dying on the back 9. Interview With Jerry White Published on 4/10/2015 Dusty: 1) Why is your team name Chuck Schick? The reference is way over my head. Jerry: Dusty, I want you to meet Chuck Schick, he's clerking for me this summer until he passes the bar...well, see you on deck, Senator.' - Judge Smails to Danny Noonan at the Rolling Lakes Yacht Club, Caddyshack. Chuck Schick can also be found smoking dope with the likes of Spaulding and Lacey Underall and did not matriculate at St. Copious of Northern Nebraska, which only has two girls, and both are nuns. Enough said. Dusty: 2) What is the oddest fact you know about concerning fellow league member Chris Amistadi? Jerry: I have to limit it to just one? Alright, here's an interesting fact. This should be a theoretical question for everyone but isn't for our intrepid Chris Amistadi: Exactly how much kitty litter in a litter box does it take to absorb human waste? I'll leave it there. Dusty: 3) Will the Trail Blazers ever win another title? Jerry: The Blazers have a great nucleus and are poised to make a deep run soon. However, they are lacking one thing to take them to the next level - attitude. Maurice Lucas and Buck Williams were the guys with a serious 'tude on the two great Blazer eras. They didn't take shit from anybody. As soon as this Blazer squad gets a hard hat, lunch pail enforcer, watch out NBA. Rip City Baby. Dusty: 4) Are you a Portland Timbers fan? Why/why not? Jerry: I am conflicted, I have to admit. I love going to watch the Timbers. When the Timber's Army is chanting and waving flags and Timber Joey is firing up the chainsaw and cutting a big old round after every Timber's goal, it is an electric atmosphere. But Groucho Marx once said, 'I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.' That is how I feel about many Timber fans as I watch grown-ass men wave the end of their Timber's scarves making sparkler noises while the 'rockets red glare, bombs bursting in air' is sung, amung many other d-bag rituals. Maybe it's because I remember watching the Timbers back in the 70s when Pele was limping around with the New York Cosmos, and seeing dudes in cutoffs and feathered hair with non ironic mustaches. Now that's I club I want to join! Wait, what did I just say? Dusty: 5) Where do you display the Vito Cup at present? Have you ever received any comments about it? Jerry: I proudly displayed the Vito Cup on the mantel with the Caddyshack Caddy Tournament horns playing on a loop as I drank from a chalice full of Old Style. Then me and the cup were unceremoniously booted to the basement by my wife. The cup and I coudn't be happier. Dusty: 6) If you could make one change to your 2015 roster now that the season has started, what would that change be? (i.e. a player you would have taken/dumped) Jerry: For sure I wish I'd taken John Merrick. Why? Not because he is currently 162nd in Fed Ex points and ranked 390th in the world, but because he has the same name as the Elephant Man. Think about it. Dusty: 7) What was the secret to your success in 2014? Jerry: No doubt about it, it took hard work, determination and stick-to-it-tiveness. But most importantly, it took grit. Grit can't be measured, but it is something that can be felt in your gut. I knew that if I didn't treat every tournament like the Super Bowl, I'd fall back to the pack. There were a couple of moments when I let my guard down and it almost cost me. But I beared down and charged to the finish line. That, my friend, is grit. Interview With AJ Abrams Published on 5/14/14 Dusty: 1) Since moving to Chicago, have you become a Cubs fan or White Sox fan? AJ Abrams: NEITHER!! I feel horrible for all of the cub fans I see in town, they actually think they have a chance at being good. I am not sure there are even white sox fans, haven't seen a shirt, jersey, or hat since moving here. My loyalty will remain with the Cardinals forever. Dusty: 2) What is your favorite beverage at Starbuck's and why? AJ Abrams: My favorite Starbucks beverage is an Americano (Espresso shots with hot water). I typically drink a couple a day. It is a very smooth and rich drink. I love it because of it's consistency, and great taste. Dusty: 3) Explain to us why Nino refers to you as Jamal. What is the story behind your classic Nino-nickname. AJ Abrams: Jamal is one of those nick names that don't come along very often, but outside of IloveNino next to no one knows this nickname. It all started when I was in middle school and I started to attend Kadima. And well as everyone knows Jaeson was one of our leaders. There happened to be a stand up comedian that was semi popular at the time named A.J. Jamal. He was doing the talk show circuits and well in typical Nino fashion the rest is history. Dusty: 4) Since participating at NM4 in Las Vegas, we have not seen you play golf since. How is your game? Are you considering coming to Louisville this June to show off your skills? AJ Abrams: Every year I think this is the year I get a chance to get back and win the Nino Memorial. Unfortunately, this will not be the year either (work commitments that weekend). I do love the game still and just got a new set of clubs last year. With my move to Chicago, I have a feeling I won't be getting out to play quite as much. I do have a goal of winning the Tartan jacket!! Hopefully next year. Dusty: 5) How pissed is your uncle that Derrick Rose is the greatest injured player in the NBA? When was the last time you had dinner with Uncle Jerry? AJ Abrams: I'm not a huge NBA fan but do feel bad for Derrick and the city. Unfortunately, I have never met Jerry but hey if he walks into Starbucks I will be sure to ask for tickets. Interview With Andy Ruben Published on 7/15/13 Dusty: 1) Are you embarrassed that you are not participating in this year's Nino Memorial given that your likeness was used in the logo? Andy Ruben: I am not embarrassed at all. I am disappointed that Phil and I cannot defend our golden douche. I display said douche proudly on my bookshelf with my most prized of possessions. Dusty: 2) Does it bother you when you bail on people, or are you cold-hearted when doing so, like Carrie Ruben? Andy Ruben: I cannot speak for Carrie, but I am not bothered by not attending the Nino Memorial. I will make my triumphant return next year. Dusty: 3) Do you think you could ever win the title? Andy Ruben: If Phil Ruben and Phil Mickelson somehow change bodies, like the movie The Hot Chick with my hero, Rob Schneider. Come on, don't act like you all haven't seen it a dozen times. Dusty: 4) Who is a bigger whimp - you are your brother Phil? What is your reasoning? Andy Ruben: Probably me. I don't ride roller coasters and I don't watch violent movies. When I was a kid, I had to leave the movie theater during the movie Kindergarten Cop. Too much violence. Dusty: 5) Who is the biggest disappointment in your family between you and Phil and why? Andy Ruben: I am. Phil has found himself a nice Jewish girl and has given my parents a granddaughter, while I am seeking referrals for Slovakian mail-order bride services. Dusty: 6) Who do you think will win the Nino Memorial this year? Andy Ruben: The team that finishes with the lowest score. Dusty: 7) When will you paypal me the $19 you owe me for the Brewers ticket that I prepaid for you? dzhoffma1@gmail.com ---- MAKE IT HAPPEN I have consulted with an attorney (me) and he (me) has advised me to decline to pay for said ticket, as I never accepted the offer to attend the Nino Memorial. Dusty: 8) If the Nino Memorial took place in the STL area in 2014, would you be more inclined to attend? Andy Ruben: Yes. Interview With Chris Amistadi Published on 6/16/13 Dusty: 1) Vanderbilt - Who is the best player to ever come out of their football program? Is it painful to root for such a lousy team? Amistadi: Vandy football has sucked for centuries, but fortunately Mizzou joined the SEC. With Snake and Ammo putting a 6-pack on the line, Mizzou's James Franklin got hurt and Vandy won the game in Columbia when that stiff back-up from Blue Springs came in to start the 2nd quarter. Vandy then actually rolled through the rest of the season. Zac Stacy is my favorite Vandy player as Jay Cutler is a complete deuche. [Will Wolford shout out!!] I'm thinking Zac will be a solid addition to the Rams and am hoping Nino's Chinese jersey maker, Arvil, will soon make his jersey, priced at $21. I think the real best Vandy player was a guy on my hall freshman year named Owen "Tank" Neill. He was massive and was the #1 HS player in the state coming out of Kentucky and got this honor as an Offensive Lineman! Unfortunately, after earning Freshman All-American honors, he didn't like to put down the bong, and was dismissed from the team. I think he now works the grill at an Eddyville, KY Waffle House An interesting Vanderbilt Golf sidebar: I am actually listed in the Vandy golf guide as Class of 1952. If you Google "Vanderbilt Golf Amistadi" it will pop up. A buddy of mine, Doug Cantor, worked for the Sports Information department and thought this would be fun. Unfortunately, he put Chris Amistadi "D.P." which commemorates a TC Chen like double putt I had after about 16 Milwaukee Bests. I didn't think a double-putt was possible based on physics, but Milwaukee's Best can defy physics. Dusty: 2) Steelers - Big Ben is past his prime, right? Take it or leave it - Steelers don't win another Super Bowl with Roethlisberger. Amistadi: Big Ben, the Titus Young of the Steelers, is an embarrassment. He lacks the qualities of a Steelers quarterback: Mark Malone had the awful 'stache, Bubby Brister the glorious mullet. Ben needs an edge, and he lacks that. I think Big Ben has only about 2-3 years left in the NFL. He isn't so nimble any more and he takes Don Beebe-like hits. He can't hold up, which is why the Steelers grabbed Landry Jones in the 4th round. Dusty: 3) What is your fondest memory of Jake "The Snake" Lampert? Is it true you purchased beer for that guy when he was in high school? Amistadi: There are a few Snake stories to go around: I witnessed the most entertaining pinch-running experience in Ladue baseball history courtesy of Snake. I have also seen what has to have been his first drunken puke, via video tape, where he actually requests the videographer to stop recording because he doesn't want me to see it. He is looking up from praying to the toilet bowl saying my name!! (I am proud to hold this over his head 18-19 years later!!) I once got lost, very drunk, in downtown Richmond with Snake until 3am, then we stopped for breakfast at some ghetto late night place, where they promptly lost our food ticket and we waited 1 hour before our drunken asses realized this. They then offered us just cold cereal and hash browns but would not expedite our order! Jake immediately accepted the deal, which was like accepting Ernie Broglio for Lou Brock. Based on this incident, I questioned his foray into law. We then had to get up at 7AM for groomsmen pictures at my brother's wedding. This was 12 years ago and I have never seen one picture of myself from that day, but Snake had ice water in his veins and was out that night while I was crying in bed. Dusty: 4) How did you go about picking your title-contending golf squad this season? Will you take home the title in 2013? Amistadi: I am proud to name my team after the infamous Par-3, mini-golf and batting cage facility in St.Louis. I think Tower Tee could really be called Tank Top Tee or No Top Tee as the rednecks flock to that course like a Kenny Chesney concert. I picked my team based on players who would not frown upon a course like Tower Tee. John Daly could pound Old Crow and PBR at Tower Tee, Robert Garrigus could openly smoke weed there... Regarding winning this thing: Until the FOLEX watch is back as part of the 1st place prize, my team lacks the ambition to win. Dusty: 5) Who was your pick for the KY Derby? Amistadi: One of the worst moments in my life came when I attended the 1997 Kentucky Derby. We had gone out to 4AM the night before and a friend of a friend was actually working the event for the KY Derby Hall of Fame and offered us a ride, except we had to be there at 7:30AM. For some reason we accepted. The weather was miserable and here we were pounding Bud Lights and eating Ruffles outside the entry to the infield at 7:30am. After 9 hours of getting really drunk with about 100,000 other people in the infield, the derby came and went… and then the beer shits hit. Fierce. I had no choice but to use the facility there, at the Derby Infield, after 100,000 people had each been through there about 4-5 times, to end my misery. It was at this point in my life I realized I would never get elected into the JCCA Hall-of-Fame and have a shrine next to the likes of Ron Zetcher. Dusty: 6) Why have you never participated in a Nino Memorial? Will we see you in Milwaukee in 2013? Amistadi: I would like to one day wear the Tartan. It won't be soon, but I think this could be coming upon us in the next few years.... I live in Portland, OR and the muni course near me is actually a pretty good place, but to give you an idea of the obstacles my game faces: A group of us are there playing the back 9 early one morning and we are coming up to the 15th tee box when the course marshall pulls up. No one is around us or in front, so we aren't sure what is going on. The marshall stops and says, "Hey guys, be careful on the 15th green." We ask him why, and he retorts,"It is all wet in and around the hole as someone took a shit in the cup and we just got finished cleaning it up." True story. We hit on the the green and each called it a two putt. I wasn't finishing that hole out. Based on this experience, I know I am Nino Memorial XIV material, but I might be holding out for Nino Memorial XX, as it will be epic. I hope one day Tower Tee will host the Tartan. Interview With Eric Swillinger Published on 4/7/13 Dusty: 1) Aside from losing last year's Nino Memorial, what was a major low point for you in 2012? Swillinger: Low point was finding out that stricken with a case of the shanks while playing with Spiegs & Obes on one warm Saturday round of golf. A close second low point was hearing that I was teamed up with Robbie Mentle for my rookie Nino campaign. Dusty: 2) Do you blame your partner, Robbie Mentle, for last year's Nino Memorial loss? Swillinger: Not entirely. We had a remarkable run on the back 9 holes with about a -4 posting on 6 holes, but holes 3-7 were as if Happy Gilmore was out on the tee box. Dusty: 3) Will you be participating in this year's Nino Memorial which is taking place in Milwaukee, WI? Will you change partners? Swillinger: Yes, my 2nd Nino Memorial in America's Land of golf will be my cuming out party. The rigorous training schedule is in it's 18th week. I do plan on removing myself from the Swillinger/Mentle 3-some and will be looking for to replace my partner with someone whom else is unhappy with their partnership. Nothing personal for Mentle, just that if I'm carrying the group, I at least expect a blow-job by the 4th hole. Dusty: 4) Is your knee better? Will you still be using it as a medical excuse this year when you play golf? Swillinger: I've been given full medical clearance by Dr. Kevorkian and have been doing leg presses with Vickar's nuts 4times a week. I've taken out an insurance policy out on the knee to make sure my income won't be compromised if I have to hand over my nino memorial card. There are heavy odds at Ceasars that I will be taking home the Tart Jacket this year. Dusty: 5) What is your favorite place to go skiing and why? Swillinger: Hands down....Snowmass. Nothing like an environment full of plastic surgery. Dusty: 6) If you had to spoon one of the following Nino Memorial contestant in Milwaukee - who would it be and why - Vickar, Toolman, Dusty, Nino, or Josh Mentle? Swillinger: Vickar....hands down. From what I hear, he was quite the stud in his glory day and has legs of steel. Interview With H. Seth "Dimbert" Cohen Published on 6/18/12 Dusty: 1) What is your best score on 18 holes of golf? Dimbert: 87. Shot a 42 on front nine this weekend, tying personal best. Dusty: 2) Will you ever participate in a Nino Memorial tournament? Why/why not? Dimbert: Yes open to participating. The real question is can you get Fish-fuck to get off his stale lumpy ass to swing a club. Dusty: 3) Do you even remember that I was your camper in 1991? If so, what is a brief memory you have of Young Dusty? Dimbert: yes do remember Dusty. And believe it or not, 1991 Dusty was a good kid. Not this angry man he has turned into today. Dusty: 4) True or False - you never fornicated while serving as a staff member @ Machaneh Ramah. Dimbert: False. Relations had. Dusty: 5) What is the most disgusting thing you have ever observed Nino doing? Dimbert: Not even I will share such unsightly information. Fortunately for Nino the WORSE I observed I never did see, only heard him tell tale (of the tail). For what I witnessed, let's leave that in the past. Dusty: 6) If you win the Vito Cup this year, what do you plan to do with the proceeds? Dimbert: Probably be forced to give it back Nino to cover future fantasy sports entry fees. its like the Godfather... "just pull you back in." Interview With Kenny Hoffman Published on 4/04/12 Dusty: 1) Who do you think will take home the FedEx Cup in 2012 and why? Kenny: Rory McIlroy will take home cup this year. Why? Along with his great swing, he has great hair! Dusty: 2) Although this will be published immediately after the 2012 Masters, who is your "pick to click" this week? Kenny: Webb Simpson! Dusty: 3) While growing up with your brother, Dr. Bob, what was the meanest thing he ever did to you? Kenny: Dr. Bob always had the responsibility to "watch me" when we had days off of school. I was about 8 years old. We'd go for bike rides away from the neighborhood and he'd ditch me. Nice! Dusty: 4) Who do you think is the best golfer in the Hoffman family? Kenny: Jon-boy hits the longest with little consistency of direction. Donny needs a few more body parts replaced before he can get back in the groove. It's hard to tell with Dr. Bob with all the Mulligan's he takes. I look the best but still pretty much suck. That leaves Dusty! The most improved and consistent Hoffman golfer. That tells you something about the skill level of the Hoffman family golfers! Dusty: 5) How did you come up with the team name - "H-Gang"? Kenny: H is my nickname since college. The "H-Gang" name comes from a song by Steely Dan on their "Morph the Cat" CD. A must for all DAN followers! Dusty: 6) If you won the Vito Cup, i.e. the trophy for the champion of this league, where would you display it? Kenny: If I won the cup, I would carry it around with me for several months (aka the Stanley Cup). It's final resting place will be in my "Man Cave" (aka: the basement). That's where my wife allows me to display all my manly accomplishments and collectables. Dusty: 7) What is your best score on 18 holes? Did you use ANY mulligans? (Be honest) Kenny: 81-no mully's Interview With Todd Newstead Published on 6/10/11 Dusty: 1) With respect to your team name, Puttin' for Eagle, have you ever actually made an eagle? What is your best score on 18 holes? BE HONEST. Newstead: My team name is Roy McAvoy. Since those follow-up questions no longer apply, I will ask one of my own: Have you ever made par using a shovel, a baseball bat, and a putter? No. Dusty: 2) Do you think Tiger Woods will a) win another major and b) surpass the Golden Bear's major victories record? Please expand upon each subpart's answer. Newstead: Let me preface by saying that I don't like Tiger - I like his social game, just not his golf game. I am a Phil guy, With that being said: a) yes, he will win another major b) not a chance he passes Jack. Dusty: 3) Why did you decide to join the golf league? Have you been satisfied with your participation thus far? Newstead: I decided to join the golf league because I consistently place in the top of Nino's football league - so even though I know very little about golf, I took it as a challenge to see how I could do. Plus, I know most of the other participant's and didn't think too highly of them, so I thought that gave me a better chance to win. I am in a very comfortable spot, right in the middle of the pack (24th place of 44 teams). I plan to make a run next weekend at The Open. Dusty: 4) What would it take to convince your sister, Andrea, to join the fantasy golf league? Newstead: This is a great question. It would probably take the entry fee being waved and a $50 giftcard to Nordstroms. Dusty: 5) State your favorite movie of all time in each of the following categories: slapstick comedy, thriller, and action movie. Newstead: Comedy - Anchorman ("I want to be on you" - Ron Burgundy) Thriller - Shawshank Redemption ("Andy Dufresne - who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side" - Red) Action - Die Hard ("Let's see you take *this* under advisement, jerkweed!" - John McClane) Dusty: 6) Who is your favorite Looney Tunes character, and why? Newstead: Foghorn Leghorn. He was in an Eminem music video for the song Role Model. What's better than that? Dusty: 7) Are you glad that Danny Soshnik no longer works at your current location downtown? Newstead: I wasn't aware that he ever did. But yes, I am glad that there are 8.4 miles between us, anything less would be too close. Interview With Leslie Becker Published on 4/11/11 Dusty: 1) Are you proud that your son is commissioner of the Fantasy Golf League? Did you imagine such a roll for your son when he was a child? Leslie: Yes, I am extremely proud of my son Jaeson/Nino for being Commissioner of the illustrious Fantasy Gold League. No I never imagined my son, Jaeson, would ever reach such a lofty position in life. When he was young his ambition was to be a clown and attend clown school in Sarasota Florida.............truth. Dusty: 2) Have you ever considered submitting a team in the League? Why/why not? Leslie: No I never considered submitting a team in the world famous League. My grandfather, father, mother, and brother all excelled at golf. Every night at dinner my brother and father would go over their game hole by hole, stroke by stroke. Boring - give me the NFL any day. Dusty: 3) Are you still feeling strong about your death pool team? Who do you think is next to go? Leslie: I am sorry I missed my favorite movie star Elizabeth Taylor's death. I even had her paper dolls when I was a child and followed her career by reading all of the many movie magazines in which she was featured. I stupidly thought I shouldn't put anyone down who others might pick. Yes, I hope my Arab despots will die, but they are cockroaches and will probably outlive all of us. However that being said, I can see the esoteric trophy sitting next to my autographed football collection. Dusty: 4) Do you miss Nino's pony tail and earrings? Does Ronaldo Becker feel the same? Leslie: Yes, I loved Jaeson's first pony tail and he looked good in my Aunt Pauline's gold hoop earrings. However, Ronald did not like the pony tail, although he liked the pony tail better than Nino's hair long and loose. Actually, Ronald made Nino put his hair in a ponytail for his brother's wedding. Back to the earring, I wrote a permission slip for Nino's brother and sister to take him to the mall for his ear piercing. If not, Nino said his friends would pierce it for him with a potato when they got to camp. Dusty: 5) Do you think that Tiger Woods has sufficiently atoned for his sins such that you could root for him if he ever wins another Major? Leslie: As I always said, before the infamous Thanksgiving incident that Tiger Woods is no Jack Nicholas. No matter how he played, Jack (the King) always gave interviews to the press. He said if [the press] are taking the time to follow my career and [him], then [he] should take the time to talk to [the fans]. Stupid spoiled brat Tiger Woods always avoids the press. He was always a smug, no class jerk and still is. Bobby Knight is a real mensch next to Tiger Woods. Dusty: 6) Describe the last time you played golf. Leslie: Oh yeah, I remember the last time I played golf. I actually took golf for a semester in P.E. at University of Missouri, Columbia. So after telling my parents how well I was hitting the ball of tees, they took me out to Meadowbrook CC to play. I never really played golf on a real course before and by the second hole, with all of my dear mother's criticisms of my play, I walked off the course and went home. Yeah, that was a day to remember. Dusty: 7) Of all the holiday meals and dishes you make, what is your favorite to personally consume? Leslie: Passover is still my favorite holiday even though I have to participate in Ronald's extreme, three week spring/Passover cleaning ritual. Frankly, I love all of the holidays and Shabbat foods I make. I think my chicken soup, matzo balls, brisket, kasha and shells, kugel (onions not sweet), raisin challah, Passover brownies, and honey cake are better than anyone's I have ever eaten and you can take that to the bank!!!! Interview With Ryan Whitney Published on 9/11/10 Dusty: 1) Do you think you will hang onto the lead come the end of the season? Lucas: Who knows? I am pretty happy with the team I have for the stretch run, so if the Reds can hang on to first, then so can I! Dusty: 2) Who are the players that you think are most crucial to your chances at the title this year? Lucas: Obviously you want the guys who you drafted that not many others drafted to do well, so I look to guys like Dustin Johnson, Nick Watney, and some guy named Tiger. Dusty: 3) Will you be at Nino Memorial XII? Why/why not? Lucas: I am hoping so, depends on the location...I am making a push for Detroit/Windsor, the weather in Dallas in the summer is so freaking hot! Dusty: 4) What does it feel like to win the golden douche bag trophy with the best last-place score in NM history? Lucas: Bittersweet I suppose...I honestly played some of my best golf out there, so it was disappointing to come in to the clubhouse in last. No shame losing to so many talented athletes. Dusty: 5) Will Phil Ruben be your partner at future NMs? Do you think that he hinders your chances at obtaining the tartan jacket? Lucas: I have known Phil since we were old enough to walk, so anytime I get to spend time with my old buddy is awesome...that being said, yes, he hinders my chances at obtaining the tartan jacket. We will see if we can drag Mentle's ass out of retirement for next year...and by the way, the reason he wasn't at this years' Nino Memorial was because he decided to golf with his work friends instead...please give him shit next time you see him. Dusty: 6) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Lucas: 17...didn't we cover this in my first interview with Dusty? Do you jerk off thinking about me banging young chicks or something? Dusty: 7) LeBron James - what do you think of his pre-signing antics? Are you happy to see him on the Heat? Lucas: That whole one hour Sportscenter special for him to announce his decision was ridiculous, made me very sour on him. I think the Heat will be the team that everyone loves to hate. Dusty: 8) Are you confident that the Reds will make the NL post-season? Why/why not? Lucas: The Reds will make the post-season! I believe I predicted this in last years Interview with Dusty. We have an abundance of good young starting pitching, and Votto is an MVP candidate. And how do you St.Louis folks like that we got Jim Edmonds now...eat it. Dusty: 9) Have you ever accidentally deficated in your pants? Please be truthful. Lucas: Who hasn't? You know, when you think you have to fart but a turtle head pokes out, happens to the best of us. Dusty: 10) Are you as surprised as the rest of the league that a) Phil Ruben is getting married and b) that his fiance is attractive? Lucas: I am over the initial shock of Phil getting married, he needs that woman in his life to keep him in line. Carrie is definitely a catch, Phil should hang on to her for dear life...I hope to see some of you Nino Memorial/golf league folks at the wedding next summer, it will be epic. Peace out. Interview With Kevin Lucas (P2) Published on 8/16/10 Dusty: 1) Do you think you will hang onto the lead come the end of the season? Lucas: Who knows? I am pretty happy with the team I have for the stretch run, so if the Reds can hang on to first, then so can I! Dusty: 2) Who are the players that you think are most crucial to your chances at the title this year? Lucas: Obviously you want the guys who you drafted that not many others drafted to do well, so I look to guys like Dustin Johnson, Nick Watney, and some guy named Tiger. Dusty: 3) Will you be at Nino Memorial XII? Why/why not? Lucas: I am hoping so, depends on the location...I am making a push for Detroit/Windsor, the weather in Dallas in the summer is so freaking hot! Dusty: 4) What does it feel like to win the golden douche bag trophy with the best last-place score in NM history? Lucas: Bittersweet I suppose...I honestly played some of my best golf out there, so it was disappointing to come in to the clubhouse in last. No shame losing to so many talented athletes. Dusty: 5) Will Phil Ruben be your partner at future NMs? Do you think that he hinders your chances at obtaining the tartan jacket? Lucas: I have known Phil since we were old enough to walk, so anytime I get to spend time with my old buddy is awesome...that being said, yes, he hinders my chances at obtaining the tartan jacket. We will see if we can drag Mentle's ass out of retirement for next year...and by the way, the reason he wasn't at this years' Nino Memorial was because he decided to golf with his work friends instead...please give him shit next time you see him. Dusty: 6) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Lucas: 17...didn't we cover this in my first interview with Dusty? Do you jerk off thinking about me banging young chicks or something? Dusty: 7) LeBron James - what do you think of his pre-signing antics? Are you happy to see him on the Heat? Lucas: That whole one hour Sportscenter special for him to announce his decision was ridiculous, made me very sour on him. I think the Heat will be the team that everyone loves to hate. Dusty: 8) Are you confident that the Reds will make the NL post-season? Why/why not? Lucas: The Reds will make the post-season! I believe I predicted this in last years Interview with Dusty. We have an abundance of good young starting pitching, and Votto is an MVP candidate. And how do you St.Louis folks like that we got Jim Edmonds now...eat it. Dusty: 9) Have you ever accidentally deficated in your pants? Please be truthful. Lucas: Who hasn't? You know, when you think you have to fart but a turtle head pokes out, happens to the best of us. Dusty: 10) Are you as surprised as the rest of the league that a) Phil Ruben is getting married and b) that his fiance is attractive? Lucas: I am over the initial shock of Phil getting married, he needs that woman in his life to keep him in line. Carrie is definitely a catch, Phil should hang on to her for dear life...I hope to see some of you Nino Memorial/golf league folks at the wedding next summer, it will be epic. Peace out. Interview With Tim "Eagleglass" Spiegelglass Published on 7/18/10 Dusty: 1) How does it feel to finally be a Nino Memorial champion? Spiegelglass: I would like to be referred to being called Champ Eagleglass from now on. I am sleeping in the red tartan and with my trophy every night. Yona thinks it is a problem. Dusty: 2) Do you think Smailz carried the team? Reports are that he sunk almost all of the crucial putts. Spiegelglass: Smalls was the man on the famous Sunday at the Home of Andrew Jackson. I would have to say I owe it all to my caddie. She helped me with the correct distance to stick close to the pin all day. But smalls put it in the hole! Dusty: 3) Will the St. Louis Blues win the Stanley Cup during your daughter's lifetime? Spiegelglass: I don’t think there will be a team in St. Louis for long enough for Kyla to see the Blues drink from the cup. Dusty: 4) Where do you want Nino Memorial XII to be held? Spiegelglass: I have always voted for Amsterdam. Just think of how awesome are caddies would be!!!!! Dusty: 5) When was the last time you placed a wager, and what was it on? Did you win said wager? Spiegelglass: Not sure exactly when but I am sure it was in a poker game. I didn’t win and that is why I hate it! For the record I gamble everyday for real money at Spiegelglass Construction. When I bid a job there is real money on the table not the nickel games you play! Dusty: 6) Do you think your dad and uncle will really let you take over the reigns of the construction company when they retire? Why/why not? Spiegelglass: I kicked out my uncle about 2.5 years ago so I can have the office with a view. He is retired now. So one down one to go! Yes there is already a process in place to take over the company. So the simple answer is they don’t have anyone else to give it to. Dusty: 7) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Spiegelglass: 16 in the same office as I am in now on the conference table that we still have. And yes it is polished all the time! Dusty: 8) Do you think the MLB All-Star game should count for home field advantage in the World Series? Why/why not? Spiegelglass: Don’t give care unless the cards go to the WS. Dusty: 9) Who will win the Stanley Cup in 2011? Spiegelglass: I am going to go with Detroit. My favorite player Bob Probert died last week and I think Detroit should win it for him. I mean the guy tried to smuggle coke so that his players can have some on road trips, at least they can win a cup in his honor. Interview With Dr. Bob Hoffman Published on 6/20/10 Dusty: 1) How did you get the nickname Scrizz? Do you mind that some people still call you that? Scrizz: I know it came about in college, which is a bit of a blur.....you know, since it was so long ago. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with Natural Born Killers and Scagnetti on Scagnetti, though. Dusty: 2) When was the last time you ate @ White Castle? What do you typically order? Scrizz: Actually eaten at White Castle, as opposed to just driving drunken friends there? I think it would have been in 1999, when D-bo and I split a 10 pack. When I say split, I mean that I had half an order of fries and he had 8 burgers and the other order and a half of fries. Dusty: 3) Where was the last place you took a first date? How far did you get with said date? Scrizz: We went to the Science Center, then out for dinner and drinks. What 'base' would you consider a hug...in the car...with heavy coats on to be? Dusty: 4) Who is your favorite television character of all time, and why do you feel you relate to this character? Scrizz: Freddie 'Boom-Boom' Washington from Welcome Back, Kotter. I always felt we had a lot in common, such as appearance, basketball skills, and musical inclinations. Dusty: 5) Will you be participating in the Nino Memorial this year in Nashville? If not, why not? Scrizz: Nope - I'm going to be in Boston that weekend. Though, I'm sure my superior golf skills will be missed. Dusty: 6) Have you ever had a homosexual experience? If so, please elaborate. Scrizz: I lived in the AEPi house for a couple of years at Mizzou...doesn't get much gayer than that. Dusty: 7) What is the longest you've gone without taking a shower? What year did this occur? Scrizz: Maybe about 36 hours. I had a rough couple of days in San Diego back in 2004. I stayed out pretty late my last night there, and didn't have time to shower before I got on the plane the following morning. I felt really bad for the kid who had to sit next to me on that flight… Dusty: 8) Which do you prefer more: a Slurpee, Icee, or Sonic Blast? What is your favorite flavor of said favorite drink? Scrizz: Are Icees still around? That would definitely be my choice. I remember the green apple flavor being my favorite. Dusty: 9) Predictions: What theme music will Mobil on the Run use for next season's "6 run/25 cent drink" campaign? Scrizz: Rap last year, country this year - I'm hoping for an early 80's new wave rendition next season. Dusty: 10) Do you approve of the future union between Saltine and Snake? If there was one reason they should not wed, what would it be? Scrizz: I approve for 2 (selfish) reasons: Snake is now my neighbor It makes me think of the old Duran Duran song - Union of the Snake. Interview With Eli "Scrizz" Rousso Published on 5/09/10 Dusty: 1) How did you get the nickname Scrizz? Do you mind that some people still call you that? Scrizz: I know it came about in college, which is a bit of a blur.....you know, since it was so long ago. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with Natural Born Killers and Scagnetti on Scagnetti, though. Dusty: 2) When was the last time you ate @ White Castle? What do you typically order? Scrizz: Actually eaten at White Castle, as opposed to just driving drunken friends there? I think it would have been in 1999, when D-bo and I split a 10 pack. When I say split, I mean that I had half an order of fries and he had 8 burgers and the other order and a half of fries. Dusty: 3) Where was the last place you took a first date? How far did you get with said date? Scrizz: We went to the Science Center, then out for dinner and drinks. What 'base' would you consider a hug...in the car...with heavy coats on to be? Dusty: 4) Who is your favorite television character of all time, and why do you feel you relate to this character? Scrizz: Freddie 'Boom-Boom' Washington from Welcome Back, Kotter. I always felt we had a lot in common, such as appearance, basketball skills, and musical inclinations. Dusty: 5) Will you be participating in the Nino Memorial this year in Nashville? If not, why not? Scrizz: Nope - I'm going to be in Boston that weekend. Though, I'm sure my superior golf skills will be missed. Dusty: 6) Have you ever had a homosexual experience? If so, please elaborate. Scrizz: I lived in the AEPi house for a couple of years at Mizzou...doesn't get much gayer than that. Dusty: 7) What is the longest you've gone without taking a shower? What year did this occur? Scrizz: Maybe about 36 hours. I had a rough couple of days in San Diego back in 2004. I stayed out pretty late my last night there, and didn't have time to shower before I got on the plane the following morning. I felt really bad for the kid who had to sit next to me on that flight… Dusty: 8) Which do you prefer more: a Slurpee, Icee, or Sonic Blast? What is your favorite flavor of said favorite drink? Scrizz: Are Icees still around? That would definitely be my choice. I remember the green apple flavor being my favorite. Dusty: 9) Predictions: What theme music will Mobil on the Run use for next season's "6 run/25 cent drink" campaign? Scrizz: Rap last year, country this year - I'm hoping for an early 80's new wave rendition next season. Dusty: 10) Do you approve of the future union between Saltine and Snake? If there was one reason they should not wed, what would it be? Scrizz: I approve for 2 (selfish) reasons: Snake is now my neighbor It makes me think of the old Duran Duran song - Union of the Snake. Interview With Dan "Gus" Galkin Published on 7/05/09 Dusty: 1) Is it true your parents are Russian spies originally hired by the former USSR? Gus: This might be interviews w/ Dusty but I'm willing to bet that this was a "Nino" question. Saying as how he's obsessed w/ my Russian heritage and thinks he knows everything about my parents' birthplace based on what he saw in the movie Red Heat. But to answer your question I'd say my life is based more on the movie Little Nikita and if you don't know what I'm talking about then IMDB that shit! Dusty: 2) Do you regret moving to Denver and leaving all your friends in the Midwest? Gus: Thanks to the Wright Bros, this isn't a problem. Dusty: 3) Do you find that gay sex is more accepted in Colorado? Gus: Actually, besides the city of Denver, Colorado is a pretty conservative and non-diverse state so if you and Nino are looking for a place to move, I wouldn't suggest Colorado. That goes for you too, Wagman! Dusty: 4) Best Twan story? Gus: Who's Twan? Dusty: 5) How long do you think Snake's marriage to Saltine will last? Gus: I predict that "till death do us part" could hold up for these two. I think by the time Snake thinks of something that's worth arguing about he'll be in his 80's and I think we all get to that point in our lives when we get tired of looking for new girls to...go to Cardinals games with. Dusty: 6) Did Snake ever clean the toilet when you lived with him? Gus: We both used to clean the poo particles with our piss. Dusty: 7) Is it true that you were sodomized by a set of Tefillin at Block Yeshivah? Gus: I can't believe you would suggest that I would allow holy parchment encased in leather boxes to be shoved in my anus. (I've been shitting Rubick's Cubes ever since) Dusty: 8) Best classic rock group of all time? Gus: Either these guys...or these guys... Dusty: 9) Will you come to a Nino Memorial again in the future? Gus: only if there is another NMVegas or an NMRocky Mountain. Dusty: 10) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Gus: Funny Story. It was my freshmen year of college with this girl named Betty. The first time I saw her, I was in love but she hated me and called me names. Then I found out she was dating our school's starting QB which created somewhat of a rivalry between our fraternities. (They were big time assholes!). At one point I even went so far as to steal her panties and set up a hidden camera in her room so I could see her naked. So, long story short, we had this carnival/fundraiser thing in the greek community where everyone had to wear costumes. So I stole Stan's mask (Stan was her boyfriend/starting QB) and made Betty think I was Stan (brilliant, right?!). Then we "did it" on the moonwalk (that bouncy air-filled thing)... It was a great year, Gilbert...I mean, Dusty. Interview With Kevin Lucas (P1) Published on 6/22/09 Dusty: 1) Were you pissed that I had a caddie in our group in the Nino Memorial? Did she distract you? Lucas: I don't think anybody could be pissed when a classy lady like Miss Kentucky is on your bag...what was more distracting than her hot ass was Phil's (CHiP) never ending string of sexual inquiries. I don't know that girl's last name, but I can tell you anything you need to know about her sex life. Dusty: 2) What are the chances you will be at NMXI? Lucas: I'd say strong to quite strong...it was really a great group of guys and I had a lot of fun. Dusty: 3) On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate the city of Louisville? Lucas: I'll give it an 8. 4th street area was really cool, and I fell in love with a local stripper. Dusty: 4) How old were you when you lost your virginity? Lucas: I was 17...she was 15...man was that a good night! Dusty: 5) Do you think you have what it takes to compete with Toolman for the most NM appearances by a goy? Lucas: Absolutely...I am young and healthy and foresee a long run coming. Dusty: 6) If given 20 dollars, would you have french kissed the caddie known as Cameltoe aka Moose Knuckle? Lucas: She was kind of gross but yeah probably...man I would have been pissed if I had to pay for that girl to ride along with me! Dusty: 7) What year will the Reds next make the NL playoffs? Lucas: 2010 for sure. I bet we finish above .500 this year and miss the playoffs by less than 5 games. Dusty: 8) Do you think Pete Rose should be elected into the Hall of Fame during his lifetime? Why/why not? Lucas: Yes Pete Rose should be in the Hall. You can't argue with the numbers, and there are plenty of morally questionable guys in the Hall already. I don't see why it can't just be about their accomplishments on the field. Dusty: 9) What is your favorite Josh Mentle story/memory? Lucas: When Josh was 18 and at a strip club, the stripper on stage stopped mid dance and asked for Josh if he was 18 and proceeded to have him carded...he was a real baby face for awhile. Interview With Heather Saltine Published on 4/12/09 Dusty: 1) Who do you think will win the league this year and why? Saltine: I'm going with Jon Amistadi. That guy is an anomaly and prodigy. I'm looking forward to meeting the man this summer. Dusty: 2) Will Indiana make the NCAA tournament next year? Saltine: Indiana will make the NCAA tournament within the next decade. That's all I have to say about that. Dusty: 3) Aside from Jake Lampert, have you french-kissed any current or former members of the league? Saltine: Is this the real question #3 or is the next one the real #3? Be that as it may, and as hard as it may be to believe, I have not french-kissed any current or former members of the league, aside from the obvious. And if I have, I have blocked it from memory. I know you think I'm lying, but for the last time, Luger and I only held hands. Dusty: 3) Favorite Dusty-led Karaoke song? Saltine: It's a toss up between "Black Betty" and "I Touch Myself". I actually know all 6 words to "Black Betty" so I can sing along. And it is something special to see Dusty sing and do hand motions to "I Touch Myself". Makes me want to French Kiss Him. Dusty: 4) What is the best meal Sydney Masin ever prepared for you? Dusty: You did not answer the question about Sydney Masin's cooking - Nino, please write in there "Howard Masin's tossed salad".   Saltine: honestly, I couldn't come up with a witty answer to that question, so I like your answer. Perhaps put an asterisk after it so we know it was not my answer - our own little side notation. Dusty: 5) What percentage of the time do you wear thong vs. granny panties? Saltine: I do not own any granny panties (0%), and I only wear butt-floss on special occasions (2%), that leaves 98% of the time where neither a thong nor granny is worn. I'll leave that up to your own imagination. Dusty: 6) Regardless of who you ultimately marry, what do you want playing for your first dance? Saltine: That question has already been answered. Please refer to http://www.ninozpalace.com/golf/interviews/Dusty.html#snake for said answer. Dusty: 7) Will it be the same song for your third wedding reception? Saltine: No - on the third go-round my first dance will be to "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. Dusty: 8) If you had to live on a desert island with one of the following league members, and re-populate the earth, who would you select (no hedging): Nino, Jonboy, Dr. Bob, Michael Litwack, or Phil "Chip" Ruben, who would you select AND why? Saltine: CHiP, of course. Why you ask? Because he's the P and he would keep me laughing/crying the entire time we were stranded. Who wouldn't want the earth repopulated with Easy-Cheese eating, corn-hole playing, philbonics-speaking children? Interview With Paul "P-Funk" Hollander Published on 7/26/08 Dusty: 1) Have you ever read Interviews with Dusty before? What are your impressions? If not, why not? Hollander: I got about half way through the first interview and stopped. My impression was that I think it's great that that Nino created a golf league targeting mentally challenged individuals that live in their mothers' basements. The interviews and golf league are great for these individuals that need some sort of cartharsis as a result of having limited human and social interaction. Dusty: 2) What are the positives and negatives of residing in Richmond Heights? Hollander: Positives: Mikey T's is really close. Negatives: Mikey T's is really close. Dusty: 3) Is it true that you play basketball at the crack of dawn to get the juices flowing? On a scale of 1-10, what would you rate your overall talent level? Hollander: It is true that I get up at the crack of dawn to play basketball. I am familiar with your "10 point rating scale" and I do in fact rate a 10. However if you're asking my basketball alter ego "The White Assassin," he would say that he rates a 12. He would also say "that's gangsta shit" after making a 22 footer from the baseline. Dusty: 4) When did you first meet Snake Lampert? What were the circumstances? Do you think he has what it takes to win the league this season? Hollander: I do not remember the first time I met snake. If I were to guess, I'd imagine it must have been right after I screamed "Get me a fucking beer you piece of shit pledge." Snake always has what it takes to win a fantasy league. He will, however, be the first to tell you that I beat him in the championship game of the Kirk Farmer tribute fantasy football league last year. Dusty: 5) Heather Saltzman - would ya? Hollander: She is and I would. Wait - is Jake on this list? If he is, I take back what I said about fantasy football. Dusty: 6) Do you think you will reside in St. Louis for the remainder of your life? Hollander: There are too many earthquakes in st. louis. I'll probably end up moving some place safer like California. Dusty: 7) When was the last time you got so shit-canned that you puked? Please discuss the circumstances. Hollander: The last time I puked from drinking was two Tuesdays ago after playing softball. The good news is that I was driving and I didn't have to puke until after I got home. More good news: I was still drunk after I puked! Hooray beer! Even more good news: I didn't puke on the tramp that I brought home. Bad news: I puked on the midget she brought with her. More bad news: I puked on the pair of ice tongs that the midget brought with her. Even more bad news: I forgot what I did with her fake leg so she can't leave my house! Even more bad news: she started to cry (out of her good eye) when I broke the news to her. Dusty: 8) What is your drink of choice? Hollander: Bloody Mary. Then, after I get to work, I have a cup of coffee. Dusty: 9) If Batman, Ironman, Superman, and Jesus faced off in a battle royale, who would come out victorious? Hollander: Quick story about Superman: Superman was hovering outside of Wonderwoman's bedroom window while she was lying naked spread, eagle (you know her trimmed, wet pussy exposed) on her bed. Superman was very enticed by what he saw - aroused you might say. Superman thought to himself "wait a moment, I can leap tall buildings in a single bound, I'm faster than a speeding bullet - why don't I just..." Without another thought, Superman flew into the house. Faster than one can blink an eye, he engaged Wonderwoman in coitus that was more powerful than a locomotive. And just as quickly, he flew back out of the house. Relieved that she didn't seem to notice, Superman exhaled. Sensing something Wonderwomen asked aloud, "What was that?" "I don't know," replied the invisible man, "but my ass sure does hurt!" To answer your question: Jesus would win. Everyone knows that the star of a 70's musical is more powerful than those superheros. Throw the Green Lantern into the mix and all bets are off. Dusty: 10) Will the Tampa Bay Rays make the playoffs? Hollander: Yes. Interview With Jake "Snake" Lampert Published on 6/13/08 Dusty: 1) Does your fantasy golf team have what it takes to win it all? Who do you think is the most important player to your continued success? Snake: Of course Duff Tokelau has what it takes to win it all. The only two-time champion of He Hate Nino, money winner every season in Whiteyball, that's a proven track record that only Kirk Weil can approach. Duff needed about 5-10 minutes of studying golfers before picking his team and that was more than enough to take care of all you suckers. Thanks for the cash! As for the most important player, it has to be Kevin "Mr. Thursday-Friday" Na. Only drafted by 12 teams, Mr. Thursday-Friday simply needs to carry his weekday success over to the weekend in order to make'em go, "Uh! Na-Na-Na-Naaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Dusty: 2) For the rest of your life, if you could eat only one type of food, and drink only one type of beverage, what would they each be? (example: crab rangoon and orange gatorade) Snake: I understand the question, but thanks for the example. I have to take Toasted Ravioli for my food and Bud Light in a bottle for my beverage. Dusty: 3) Do you like to eat Saltines? Snake: Is there an apostrophe and some missing words after Saltines in this question? Eat Saltine's what? If we're talking about the crackers, I like to eat them but only with Easy Cheese. If we're talking about Saltine's something or other, I like to eat that too. But again, only with Easy Cheese. Dusty: 4) What place do you think the Cardinals will finish in this year? Will they make the playoffs? Snake: predict the Redbirds will finish in 2nd place in the National League Central, behind the Chicago Cubs. The Cubs will face off against the Diamondbacks in the NLDS, and the Cardinals will take the Wild Card and play the Phillies in the NLDS. That will set up the series everyone has been waiting for, the Cardinals-Cubs NLCS. Of course, Jimmy Edmonds will slip and fall while chasing down a fly ball with the score tied in the 9th inning of Game 7, leading to another National League pennant for the Cardinals. From there, the Birds will get their revenge for 2004, and Chris Perez will strike out Manny Ramirez to set off a frenzy at "The Bev." Jim Edmonds will lead the parade down Market Street. Dusty: 5) What is your favorite thing to eat at Plush Pig besides the "pops"? Snake: Fried Pickles and cherries soaked in 151. Dusty: 6) What song will be the first you dance to at your wedding? Snake: Pussy Control, with me on the mic singing the words. Of course, you may ask, "What if the band doesn't know that song." That won't be a problem, because we all know my reception will take place at Mikey T's and I know the DJ has that song in his repertoire. Dusty: 7) Have you ever made out with Angie Lampert? Snake: Contrary to popular belief, I have never made out with Angie "Jolie" Lampert. But, I have been known on occasion to either make out with my sister's friends or sisters of my friends, or both at the same time. That's why people hate me. Dusty: 8) Do the Lamperts still own the race car bed you used to spank it in as a child? Snake: I am pretty sure my cousin took that race car bed back a couple of years ago. He used it to spank it as a child, as did I, and now it is being passed down the next generation of Lamperts. One day, I hope that my offspring can enjoy many a night of watching Cardinal baseball and entertaining himself in that race car bed. Interview With Josh Mentle Published on 4/13/08 Dusty: 1) Is it true that your brother lost his virginity to Suzanne Herman? J. Mentle: I'm not sure, but now that you mention it they were pretty good friends back in the day. Sometimes they'd disappear for hours, but I just assumed they were doing some feminine stuff like Robbie likes to do. Dusty: 2) How many therapists did your brother see through the age of 8 when he finally learned to stop dumping and pissing in his bed at night? J. Mentle: As far as I know, that's a tradition that continues to this day. See Jenny for further details. Dusty: 3) Will the Reds be contenders or pretenders in 2008? J. Mentle: Contenders. They could be the Rockies of this year. Watch Cueto. He went 7 innings of 1 hit, 10 strikeout ball Thursday, and our other young stud, Volquez threw 1 run, 8k ball today. Those two with Harang, Bronson, and probably Homer Bailey (later in the summer) combined with Cordero closing means they are finally legit. Also Jay Bruce and Joey Votto are sick. Lots of good young talent, and a reputable manager. Dusty: 4) When you first found out you were going to be an uncle did you: a. Fire up a cigar?; b. Take a shot of whiskey?; or c. Say a blessing because you thought Robbie was impotent all this time? J. Mentle: Both A and B. But, I don't think it was tobacco in it. It was a hybrid ... of bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent and northern California sensemilia. The amazing stuff about it, is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on the stuff. Cannonball!! Dusty: 5) What place do you think you will finish in this season? Are you disappointed about your current position in the cellar? J. Mentle: Yes, I am disappointed, but at this point I am sort of gunning for a last place finish. I mean, if I am gonna suck, I may as well be the best at it. Dusty: 6) Did your brother teach you how to masturbate? Did you think it was weird when he told you to taste your "love"? J. Mentle: He tried to teach me, but things got weird when he brought out a picture of Suzanne. Dusty: 7) Did you play any sports in high school? J. Mentle: I played sports in high school, but not for the high school. I played basketball, baseball, and golf. We also played roller hockey after school sometimes, but I sucked at skating, so I got to be the chubby Jewish goalie without skates on. Obviously I was referred to as Goldberg from Mighty Ducks while we played. Phil wouldn't be able to tell you about this though, he was too busy at marching band practice. Dusty: 8) What is your prediction for 2008's: -World Series champion? -Superbowl Champion? -NBA champion? J. Mentle: World Series- Red Sox Super Bowl- Bengals, ok, the Pats NBA- Spurs Dusty: 9) What is your favorite national flag, and why? J. Mentle: USA because its the easy choice and I just wasted like 10 minutes trying to think of a creative answer and came up blank. Interview With Tim "Toolman" Boyer Published on 7/22/07 Dusty: 1) If there is one player you could insert on your fantasy golf league squad that is not currently present, who would it be? Toolman: KJ Choi. That guys been money this year. I clearly didn't take enough Koreans on my team. I won't make that mistake in the future. Also, I'd take Joaquin Pheonix since he won the Masters. Dusty: 2) Who do you predict will win the PGA Championship, the final major of the 2007 season? Toolman: Steve Gutschewski. I know he just finished in 131st place at the U.S. Bank Championship, but I got a feeling he is going to turn it around. It's a gut feeling. Obviously not going to be Sergio after today's outing. Serves him right for being 27 years old and using a belly putter - I think there should be a PGA rule that you can't use a belly putter until you are an old man. (My real answer is Stewart Cink - he's due) Dusty: 3) Will the Cardinals finish at .500 or above this season? Toolman: Are you kidding? It would take a miracle. Let's all just hope and pray that Albert doesn't get hurt and that we can trade Scott Rolen for anything - even a bag of used baseballs. I really don't want to pay that guy $36 million to suck for the next three years. Dusty: 4) What hurts you more - sharing the Nino Memorial title, or knowing that you were once sodomized by your father with a splintery plunger handle? Why? Toolman: The NM tie. It haunts me at night. Shoulda made the putt on the last hole. Still, I'm happy to be a three time jacket winner. Of course, I haven't gotten my trophy from Nino yet, since he had to make extras. I knew that guy didn't like me. And I blacked out when that other thing happened after about 30 seconds, so it didn't really hurt that much. Dusty: 5) What current female athlete would you most like to receive oral pleasure from? Toolman: Probably Sharapova. I like the way she grunts. Maybe Mia Hamm if she agreed to call me Nomar while she was doing it. Except that it would be all muffled. Also, if you ever interview Nino for this column, make sure you don't limit this question to female athletes. Dusty: 6) What is your best score on 18 holes, and on which course did you play? Toolman: 79. It was at Forest Park, playing Dogwood followed by Red Bud. Sadly I did not even have the best score in my group that day. But it was enjoyable anyway. Dusty: 7) Will the Cubs win the Central Division in 2007? Toolman: No. The Cubs will find a way to lose - they always do. I also predict they will lose in an embarassing and fantastic way. Maybe Carlos Zambrano throws six wild pitches in the ninth inning of the last game of the regular season to allow in the winning run in the 9th. Maybe Aramis Ramirez and Derek Lee will collide with each other chasing a pop up and both get knocked unconscious allowing a game winning run to score from second base. Something along those lines. Dusty: 8) Where do you think NM9 should take place? Toolman: I'd vote for KC - plenty of nice courses in the area and lots of great BBQ. I'd also be fine with Memphis, for the same reasons. Just not Innsbrook. We're 0-2 in NMs played at Innsbrook. Interview With Michael Sherman Published on 6/17/07 Dusty: 1) What is your favorite team in the NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL and NCAA: Michael: -NBA -- Boston Celtics -NFL -- Washington Redskins -MLB -- Boston Red Sox (sorry about 2004) -NHL -- Does hockey still exist? If so, the Canadiens -NCAA -- University of Maryland Terrapins -- Fuck Duke!!! Dusty: 2) What sport do you like to actually play the most? Are you any good? Michael: Golf. I actually am fairly good carrying a 10 handicap despite practicing law at a large international firm. My game's gone a bit downhill from the halcyon days of college and law school when I played daily (see below), but I shot 83 last time out and can still hit the ball an awful long way. I need to keep practicing in order to extend my domination of Dookie5000 beyond just fantasy golf. You hear that Britt, I'm throwin' down the sta-sof at ya. Bring it. Dusty: 3) In which states are you licensed to practice law? Did you fail the bar examination in any jurisdictions? Michael: Maryland and the District of Columbia. Thankfully, no. Although I must say that there was not a single thing on the bar exam that has been of any professional use to me since I started practicing. Some have been of personal use, but I'd rather not talk about that. Dusty: 4) What is your best round of 18 holes? Michael: The Love Number -- 69. On my country club's North Course, which is a real, honest to god, championship course, upon which US Open Sectional Qualifying is contested annually. For those historians in the crowd, it is not the one over which Shigeki Maruyama shot his famed 58 in 2000. Dusty: 5) After you run over a squirrel, rabbitt, or other small rodent, do you: a) Think about the life you just took, and pause in sorrow; b) Try not to think about it; c) Laugh and look for another small animal to mow down; OR d) Pull over to the side of the road and take photographic evidence of the animal's insides Michael: A modification of D. I generally pull over to the side of the road to make sure that there isn't any crap stuck to the side of my jeep. Dusty: 6) Will you be a member of Nino's Fantasy Golf League in 2008? Michael: Yes, assuming you guys don't run me out of the league for riding in as a rookie and taking all your hard earned money. Dusty: 7) Do you believe you will actually beat Hoffman's Fade in 2007? If so, why? Michael: Clearly. An old fortune teller once told me fear not jews with blackman's hairstyle. I'd puzzled over that for years but now I understand that she must have been speaking of this. Interview With Phil "CHiP" Ruben Published on 6/17/07 Dusty: 1) Do you think you can match last summer's milestone, and bag your second Israeli scout? What is your secret? Phil: Last summer was unreal. I returned from the Motherland and in St. Louis was my own Israeli "to-go" package. After about two weeks of knowing the new Israeli's it is going to be difficult to relive the magic of the Summer of '06. They do not compare or even come close to my Special-K. However, I am not a quitter and will not give up. It takes some time before the girls become Rube-a-holics. Magicians do not give away their secrets. Dusty: 2) Do you have plans to play in next year's NM9? Who will your partner be? Phil: I am 100% in NM9. I hope all of you are there when I shave NM9 in the back of my head. I saw my NM8 partner at the Cards game last week and got confirmation that we are going to walk off hole 18 victorious at NM9. "Eagle-glass" and "CHiP", how could we lose??? Dusty: 3) Are you now more of a Cardinals fans since your move to the Lou? Phil: Yes, I am more of a Cardinals fan now because of my move. However, they are still well behind the first and best professional baseball team, The Cincinnati Reds. Dusty: 4) Where would you like next year's Nino Memorial to be located, and why? Phil: I am not in favor of one specific location. However, I can tell you that it would be great to be out of town, but not too far away. Lake of the Ozarks was perfect for NM8. I would be happy with that again, Branson, Tunica, Innsrook, maybe even Kansas City. It is an outstanding weekend full of drinkin b's, s'in' W, and playing with Barbie's dolls... Dusty: 5) Have you ever defecated in your pants? If so, please describe the circumstances. Phil: Just last night. I had some of Noodles' chili and it went right through me. I tried to make it to the bathroom, but all I could do was sit on the cornhole board. Needless to say, we will be constructing a new set immediately. Dusty: 6) Without researching the answer to this question online, what do you believe to be the capital of New Hampshire? Phil: New-er Hampshire Dusty: 7) Will the NBA ever be what it was when Michael Jordan was at the pinnacle of his career? Phil: No. It is a different league now. Michael Jordan was hands down the best player during his pinnacle. Now, you could say it is D-Wade, Lebron, Kobe, Tim Duncan...There is no definitive stud of the NBA. I still enjoy watching it now, and would trade the Blues in for an NBA team in a heartbeat. Dusty: 8) On your PB&J sandwiches, do you prefer more PB or more J? Phil: More peanut butter, but enough Jelly to still get the taste in my mouth. 2nd Interview With Jon "Jonboy" Hoffman Published on 4/03/07 Dusty: 1) Do you consider the $35 you spent to join this fantasy league a good investment? Jonboy: Considering I still owe my league dues this year, yeah, I would say it is a great investment so far. Dusty: 2) Will you be defending your 2X defending champion status for NM8? If so, who do you think your partner will be, and do you predict a 3rd championship? Jonboy: NM8 is still up in the air for me. Don't know if I will be out there that weekend. If I am Robbie and I will take home a couple of trophies. Dusty: 3) If it were up to you, where would NM9 be and why? Jonboy: NM9 needs to be somewhere close because people need to be ready to leave the western hemisphere for NM10 in AMSTERDAM. Get ready bitches. Dusty: 4) Based on the current league standings, who do you predict will come in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd overall in the league? Jonboy: 2nd and 3rd too hard to say, but I would wrap my mouth around Pasia's Finger for 1st. Dusty: 5) How many homeruns will Albert Pujols finish his career with? Will he have more career homeruns than Alex Rodriguez? Jonboy: Pujols will finish with 565 home runs. Derek Jeter will pull a Tanya Harding before Arod gets to 700. Dusty: 6) If you could play any professional sport, what would it be? Jonboy: Jai Alai Dusty: 7) If you could coach any professional sport, what would it be? Jonboy: Cricket Dusty: 8) Anna Nicole Simpson post-weight loss, but pre-death......would ya? Jonboy: Absolutely. I would take my cut of that inheritance and build a golf course designed for Nino Memorials. Interview With Jeff Rose Published on 6/10/06 Dusty: 1) Do you think that your three, yes three, weekly victories thus far will win you that money category at the end of the year, assuming you win no more weeks (which appears unlikely)? (Recall that the team with the most WEEKLY victories will get a prize this year, the first time EVER.) Rose: I feel fortunate to have one thee weeks akready. I plan to win a couple more weeks, to lock up this category. I don’t think I'll win the overall pool though, Suzanne is tough to beat. ..... Dusty: 2) How many times have you had Imo's pizza since moving to the St. Louis area? Rose: Hmm.. I can’t count how many times, but I can tell u the first time I ate provel cheese I thought it was gross. I was sure the delivery guy dropped my pizza on his way to my house.. But now?? Mmm.. canned mushrooms - can't beat that! Dusty: 3) If your wife were to give birth to your child at Sabra, will you name him or her Boozane (i.e. Suzanne Herman), like Mr. and Mrs. Herman did back in 1979? Rose: No. Boozanne is a dumb name. Who has kids at camp? This baby will be a proud MoBaptist. Dusty: 4) What is your favorite NHL team? Being a Canadian, is your favorite sport hockey? Rose: GO LEAFS GO. I bleed blue for Toronto. I have expereinced some disappointing seasons a hockey fan, but I digress. Yes, hockey is my favoUrite sport. Dusty: 5) Did you know that I hate Sabra? It was the worst camping experience of my life. I hated every minute of it, and my favorite day was when we finally got to leave on those air-conditioned buses. Have things changed under your watch as Director? If so, how? Rose: Hmm.. why did you hate Sabra? Did you have friends? Were you not allowed to bring your blankie to camp? Camp has changed - for the better. Camp Sabra now has a pool, air cooled cabins (aka fans), improved facilities and equipment, and MORE. If you are interested in sending your child to camp, call the Camp Sabra office - 314-432-5700. Dusty: 6) Is there one player you regret drafting for your fantasy golf team this season? If so, who? Rose: I have no clue who is on my team. I picked Canadians. Fortunately Steven Ames won his first tournament ever this year. I also picked Stuart Appleby, becuase my mother's maiden name is Appleby, but she spells it Appelby. Dusty: 7) Will you be participating in the golf league next year? Why or why not? Rose: If I win, I may not participate next year. What are the chances of winning two years in a row? I may join every other year, it's only fair. Interview With Brett "Noodles" Bunsick Published on 5/07/06 Dusty: 1) Do you support those immigrants, legal and illegal, who went on strike on 5/1/06? Why or why not? Noodles: Currently, I do not support the immigrant rallies. I don't really think they have a point in their demonstrations. It seems like they are trying to say that we (America) can not function without them. Even though they were on strike today, there were still thousands of jobless American citizens that would have been thrilled to be at work today. Solution to the problem, legalize weed and let them grow it. Then there would be plenty of jobs for everyone. Dusty: 2) Do you think it is too soon to release a movie about 9/11 (i.e. "Flight 93")? Noodles: Way to soon! The movie "Pearl Harbor" came out in the year 2001, 60 years after the attack there. That may have been too early for some people. 9/11 was less than 5 years ago! Whats wrong with the people who made this??? Dusty: 3) When you defecate in a public restroom, do you lay toilet paper on the seat? Sit on the seat? Also, what is the last public place you took a dump? Noodles: I really only like to do the #2 at home but if I do it somewhere, I always put the tp on the seat. I don't want to sit on the seat after a dirty illegal immigrant sat on it and get herpies. Last public place was the JCC. Dusty: 4) Do you think Aaron Miles or Hector Luna should get the starting job at 2B? Noodles: Luna, He is a legal immigrant. Dusty: 5) What place do you think you and my brother-in-law will come in at NM7? Noodles: Top 3 Dusty: 6) What is your best score on 18 holes ever? Noodles: Four Season Golf Course - Lake of the Ozarks Front 9 - 44 Back 9 - 53 Total - 97 - The front 9 wasn't bad. 1st Interview With Jon "Jonboy" Hoffman Published on 4/20/06 Dusty: 1) Jonboy, why did you join the Fantasy Golf League for the first time this year? Was it only to compete in the Nino Memorial? Jonboy: Initially I joined the league for the sole purpose of winning the nino memorial every year. After my first tournament and first defeat at Wentzville in '04 I needed to refocus the energy and time that I put into my game. That first defeat was very bitter. As the seasons progressed and the year went by I knew that I could win the next one with Bubba. And we did. As Bubba sunk our birdie putt on Innsbrook's 18th I knew that the competitive fire in my heart for golf would never burn out. Yes, the reason I joined the league, and the reason I continue to be a member is to win the nino memorial every year. The red jacket that hangs on my wall is mine. Dusty: 2) What is your lowest round on 18 holes? How many mulligans did you use that round? What golf course were you playing on? Jonboy: I shot my best 18 holes last summer only three weeks after the NINO MEMORIAL. I played the Links at Dardene in St. Charles County. I finished four over par 76 with no birdies and no double bogies. The round consisted of a series of pars with a few bogies mixed in. I did not realize how special of a round it was until I looked at the card walking off 18. Looking back at the card now it seems that I took two muligans on the day; one on the front side and one on the back. Dusty: 3) Is it true that you were barred from participating in the St. Louis County Police Academy due to your infamous past at Indiana University? Jonboy: Rumors circulating the Nino Golf league that my past at Indiana University came back to haunt me at the time I was preparing to enter the St. Louis County Police Academy are simply not true. The truth is that I decided not to attend the academy as I was sitting at Assembly Hall listening to the commencement speach at my graduation ceremony. Only months later did I find the courage to admit to the world that being a police officer was not for me. Nevertheless, it would suck to have to alter the lifestyle that I have cherrished for so many years. Dusty: 4)Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? Jonboy: Have I ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? I can't say that I have, but on my death bed many many years from today I will remember this question and smile. Dusty: 5) If you had to listen to one song on repeat for the rest of your life, what would it be? Jonboy: The one song that I would listen to on repeat for the rest of eternity would be Tchaikovsky's Overture of 1812. It is a beautiful piece of music that envokes the emotions of both the glorious and the defeated. It reminds me of the helpless and lonely feelings of losing and the glory of being a champion. Dusty: 6) Favorite Asian dish? Jonboy: My favorite Asian dish is the House Beef at Happy China. Interview With Rodney "Dangerfield" Niles Published on 4/10/04 Dusty: 1) Why did you pick Andrew Zimmerman to come in last place? I mean, it was the right move, but did he do something to upset you? Rodney: No, he really did nothing to upset me, but boy he must have upset some other people. You see this is my first year in the league so I refered to others for help. Hands down the Zim MAn was the leading vote getter for LAST PLACE! Dusty: 2) Were you and Hot Carl angered last year as a result of not being able to compete for the Nino Memorial trophy? Are you participating in this year's tournament at the Club of Wentzville? Rodney: You know Hot Carl does have a MEAN streak a mile long, and it was difficult watching someone receive the trophy when your team had the BEST SCORE. That was very hard on HOT CARL! While we were in the Pro Shop I had to restrain him from ripping the jacket from the winners. We have both discussed traveiling to St. Louis to participate due to the ENORMOUS POPULARITY of the tournament. We hope to be there. Dusty: 3) Is Aaron Vickar an ideal relative? Why or why not? Rodney: THE VICK MAN, what can I say?? He comes from such a HUMBLE beginning, he tends to shock you with some of his expertise and knowledge. You know we are talking about a HOCKEY PLAYER! You know the kind of person who's IQ is measured by how many teeth are left in your mouth!!! However, You would figure that your Brother-in-Law would at least send you a plane ticket or two ONCE in A WHILE to visit. Other than being JUST PLAIN STINGY he is a "GOOD" brother-in-law. Dusty: 4) Are you in the real estate business? Why the team name: "Realty Team?" Rodney: Well I do ponder in Real Estate Sales & Investments. But truly I used this name in honor of taking my 1st Place Check from me winning this league and investing in a Golf Course in the St. Louis area. Dusty: 5) If you don't qualify for winnings this season, will you still join the league next year? Rodney: It is a must!!! I have already budgeted the winnings to be spent. If I do not win this year, LOOK OUT NEXT YEAR. However, there does seem to be a lot of ASS KISSING going on which makes me wonder is the spread of points is being spread correctly!! "you know what I mean" I wouldn't want to start no RUMORS. Dusty: 6) Worst mistake you've ever made with a woman: Rodney: You know WOMAN stands for a different breed of species.Even though Woman seems to have derived from Man, there is no way this could be true. I don't think there could be a worst mistake with a woman. If a man is with a WOMAN you do not make a MISTAKE, You make "MISTAKESSSSSSSSSSSSSS." You spend your entire LIFE with a woman just trying to figure out HOW DO I MAKE SO MANY MISTAKES????? Interview With Dr. Jeff (Smailz) Small Published on 10/15/03 Dusty: 1) While sedating a woman with your wonder drugs, have you ever been tempted to molest your patient? Smailz: 75% of my patients are over 50 - so no way. 60% of my patients are male - so save those for NINO. 55% of my patients are not white - so save those for D.O.C. That leaves about .000002% that might have potential - so , no way, I really don't think it would do anything for me to grab some sleeping person who is not going to respond back. Waste of my time and theirs. Dusty: 2) Do you think you will be able to maintain your lead over Scott "Scooter" Gilman? Smailz: I hope I can hold the lead over Scooter because "Daddy needs a new pair of Shoes", and Abbey needs about 10 pairs. Dusty: 3) Do you like the Chicago Bears' new starting quarter back, Kordell Stewart? Why or why not? Smailz: I have never been a big fan of Cordell, he gets himself into situations where he thinks he can "Slash" his way out, but all he causes is more trouble by throwing an interception, quitting on his team or buying a mangy good-for-nothing dog. Cordell sucked back in the old days and I am sure she, (I mean he) still does. Dusty: 4) Best Jaeson Becker story - make it brief. Smailz: So many to tell and so little time. Do I discuss a camp escapade, a USY slip up, Israel, Europa-Europa. Well how about we talk about a little camp episode. Holmes liked to show off his manliness to all of us at camp. His favortite way to do it was while he was taking a shower he would use the shower curtain rod as a monkey bar and dangle from it yelling about "Sweet Lou Ferigno". I can't say more, but it was a most disturbing site. Dusty: 5) If you were asked to title a pornographic film, what would it be? Smailz: Title of a porno - "Tales of the Fourth Grade Ho!" Dusty: 6) Will you come out of retirement and join Nino's Fantasy Baseball League? Smailz: I will not be coming out of retirement to join Nino's fantasy league for a couple of reasons. First, I don't think it is fair for someone new to come in now with a bunch of players already reserved on previous owners teams. (Unless someone were willing to give up Bonds, Pedro and A Rod for next season.) Second, I really don't have time right now to follow players everyday so I could be in position to trade and dump/draft. So, for right now until I finish the job I am doing and Nino changes some rules, I am going to have to abstain from joining back into the fantasy baseball league Interview With Aaron "Denmark" Vickar Published on 4/3/03 Dusty: 1) You were the only member of the league who chose NOT to take Tiger Woods. Were you trying to prove a point, or, rather, are you retarded? (I mean, I remember the first time I participated in Fantasy Golf.) Denmark:I was taking a gamble.....I was hoping that Tiger and his injury would keep him gimp for some time. In the meantime I was hoping that Lefty would get off his ass and try to win something, anything, while Tiger was shelved. I also wanted to put my bread in Vijays basket, although it seems like his basket is in hiding in an Iraqi bunker and nowhere to be found. Dusty: 2) Is it true that Scott Masin once gave a little "who's your daddy" to Naomi, your younger sister? Rumor has it the incident took place in Branson, MO. Can you confirm or deny this? Denmark:I can neither confirm nor deny this rumor. And with all honesty have never heard it. I mean really, my sister is 5"10 and luger is 5" nothing. I dont see how that would work. Her legs are taller than his whole body. Dusty: 3) What is the best time of year to visit Manitoba? Denmark:It is a known fact that there are two seasons in Winnipeg, Manitoba (the geographic center of North America). Winter and Construction. So you decide. Dusty: 4) As a Canadian citizen, can you explain Canada's failure to send military support to the Persian Gulf? Denmark:Well, as you know Canada is split into two sub-units. The Canadian people and the Frogs. The Frogs wouldnt fight if mother France was in trouble. Those people havent picked up their arms for anything (including shaving) in history. As far as the other people go...Canada is a country of nice people, eh. Play hockey and drink beers, eh. Dusty: 5) Why were you placed on waivers by the Missouri River Otters? Are you still bitter? Has there ever been a sellout in River Otter's history? Denmark:Well if you were current on your River Otters news you would know that yesterday I was claimed on waivers by the Flint Generals. I am planning a Mario Lemioux like comeback next year in Flint, Michigan. As far as a sellout is concerned. I vaguely remember a blue t-shirt giveaway and damned if it looked like there was a sellout that night. Wait, those were empty seats. So, No. Interview With Brian (Paul) Mitchell Published on 2/3/03 Dusty: 1) Is it true that you instigated an altercation this past Thursday night at Blueberry Hill, January 31, 2003, at approximately 1:15 a.m.? Why did they piss on your car? (Was it because of your "tendencies?") Mitchell:Yes, I was part of instigating an altercation at Blueberry Hill. But seriously, if you had your car pissed on by some white trash human beings, and you saw them do it, you'd be pretty pissed as well. I am sorry to say because of my good friend Mitch Morgan, one of those dudes will be drinking through a straw the rest of his life. Dusty: 2) If you had to fornicate with the sibling of a member in this league, who would it be, and why? Mitchell:That's too easy of an answer. I have had a serious crush on a prior league champion's sister for a very long time. I really don't feel comfortable saying her name....but her last name rhymes with Kolsky. The things I would do to her aren't legal in 14 states. Dusty: 3) Is it true that you defecated on a bus in Washington D.C.? Why couldn't you hold it? Mitchell:It is true there was some form of defecation on a bus in Washington D.C. a few years back, but the only involvement I had was sitting behind the fat, gross motherfucker who couldn't hold it. Grossest thing I have ever smelled in my entire life. I think Dusty Hoffman still communicates with this defecator. Dusty: 4) Why do you want Dave a.k.a. Dusty Hoffman to come in last place? Mitchell:I took very special care of Dusty Hoffman during the early years of his life. He was very socially challenged during his youthful years, and had serious trouble talking to members of the opposite sex. I feel like I helped him break out of his shell and teach him the ways of the world. After those years, Dave learned how to get girls, and even dated a few. We now know he is engaged to be married, and I feel partly responsible for that. And you know what, I have never gotten a thank you. That bastard can rot in hell for all I care. But, finishing in last place in this league is a good start. Dusty: 5) What is your fondest memory of Suzanne Herman? Mitchell:My fondest memory of Suzanne Herman.......well.....that is a difficult question. I don't think I really have any fond memories of Suzanne Herman....just painful ones that I try to put out of my mind every day. But we all know the artist formerly known as Big Litty has s serious crush on her, so I will refrain from insulting her publicly on this forum. Interview With Andrew "Dice" Zimmerman Published on 4/21/02 Dusty: 1) Is it true that Allison Iken got a boob job? Are they silicon or water based? Dice: David, that's a very important question facing this great Nation of ours. I'm glad that you asked it, and let me tell you why: One of my first acts upon taking office, if elected, would be to get to the bottom of this pressing and vital issue. The American People deserve answers, and they deserve them now. My administration simply will not tolerate the continuation of any policies which further hinder the release of information on the details of Ms. Iken's upper torso. Fillabustering on this subject must be ruled out as an option. Of course, this will require a bi-partisan, bi-lateral effort on behalf of all my fellow leaders, whom I hope will support this important initiative. Next question. Dusty: 2) Why has the So Taguchi, the newly acquired Japanese player for the Cardinals, not performed as well as your Ichiro? Dice: David, that's a very important question facing this great nation of ours. I'm glad that you asked it, and here's why: In the first week of my administration, if elected, I intend to address this very troublesome and conflicting dilemma. Beginning June 16th through June 18th, the Seattle Mariners will be facing the Shwag Louis Redbirds at SafeCo field. Should be a great day at the ballpark! Many celebrities will be in attendance, including myself, Fred Bird, and of course, Mariner Moose. All members of the Golf League are hereby cordially invited to attend these summer festivities. All guests will be provided with free lodging and accommodations in "The Lincoln Bedroom," at no additional charge. Dusty: 3) Is it true that you were nominated chief negotiator for the US in the Middle East, but turned it down leaving Anthony Zinni in your place? Dice: It would be a disgrace to my Country, my people, and myself, to disclose that information. Your question does not even dignify a response, you fat fuck! Dusty: 4) Who do you predict to win the Golf League? Dice: Who "wins" is a subject for the Mass of Men to ponder in an effort to bring meaning and value to their otherwise petty, trivial, and meaningless lives. Dusty: 5) Can you confirm your involvement in the Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigade? Dice: Last week, I helped Twan's sister get a job at the sperm bank. But, just two days ago, she got fired for "drinking on the job." If you miss the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles too, send an e-mail to: dice@sethcohenisapussy.com Interview With Dave "Dusty" Hoffman Published on 4/10/02 Interviewer: 1) After having 5 blatant homosexual relationships at Camp Sabra, then 1 latent homosexual encounter at Camp Ramah, do you feal your "experimenting" and your "curiosity" has been fulfilled? Dusty: To tell you the truth, my Sabra experimentation was somewhat of a let down because that was prior to Eli Abeles attending there. I would have really liked to give it to that guy in the arss in the public showers at 9:30 a.m., in the broad daylight, while everyone else was at the cliff jump. Now, I can only do that in my dreams. Interviewer: 2) Speculations run ramped that you were actually a Cubs fan instead of a quoted, "die hard Cards fan". Upon some thorough investigating, rumors turned fact proved that you are truly St. Louis's #1 Cubs fan. Sources close to this story confirmed that you did wear a Cubs flag around your neck like a cape, many of days while attending Solomon Schechter day school. Other sources admit to having received money from you each year that Mark McGwire out dingers Sammy Sosa. The victor claims, "Not only does he root for Sammy Sosa, the mother fucker even tries to jinx Big Mac". Do you have any comment? Dusty: Seriously, I don't know where Scott "Luger" "Midget" Masin ever came up with the Schechter stories about me and the Cubs. Deny, deny, deny. I did like Andre Dawson, but as an individual, not because of his team. SO FUCK OFF. Interviewer: 3) Is it true that you have had a 100% purely platonic relationship with Becky (Rebecca) Kerman since the day you first met her as a toddler? If not, please set the record straight. Dusty: You know, I can't deny my past with that girl. I'll admit it, its true. However, at least I was getting a blow job in the ninth grade while you were still spankin' it as a freshman in college, oh, I mean Meramec. Aaron Vickar got my sloppy seconds, so its all gravy. Interviewer: 4) There have been conflicting stories about an alleged "One night stand" with Michele Masin on New Years 1999. Care to elaborate? Dusty: Its true. Like I said in a previously recorded conversation, she wouldn't go down on me, but she did smack me around a bit until I splewied all over her arm hairs. I think a bit is still caked on up by her elbows. Interviewer: 5) When you enrolled into The University of Illinois, is true that you uttered these words "Looks like University of Illinois" in your best Tom Cruise impersonation? Furthermore, are the urban legends true that Illinois girls are not only skanky, but actually enjoy sodomizing a man's sphincter while giving hummers? If this is true, please elaborate on the "Lima Golf" incident that was well documented in your human sexuality journal your wrote senior year. Dusty: "Lima Golf," I don't really want to get into that. No comment. As for Illinois, its true. I didn't make it into Meramec, so I had no choice. They said I was TOO good for them. Funny how that works. As for the chicks, that was the first time I really enjoyed getting fingered in the butt while ejaculating into trick ass ho mouths. You can't beat that shit. Its a shame Michelle Masin wouldn't do that to me. Interviewer: 6) On occasion, you have made it crystal clear that you have a huge interest in politics. From your opinions to last year's presidential election race debacle in FL, to our current anti terrorism response plan...you have been vocal. Though your specific political opinions are of no interest in this forum, there is one question that needs to be answered. There are speculations that you had some kind of a stake in regard to "Watergate". I ask about this since your birth certificate that I am holding now as we speak, indicates that you weren't even alive until the Carter Administration (2 presidents later). Could you please elaborate what exactly is your connection to the infamous Watergate break-in? Dusty: "Watergate." She was young, she was beautiful, and damn, she looks good on film. Interviewer: 7) Who exactly is the person you refer to as "The one who got away", and what did he/she do to put themself into that predicament? Many have speculated that it has something to do with a trip to Piccadilly Circus, or quite possibly a conversation gone austere on a double deckered bus. Again, please elaborate on all speculations. And if "The one who got away" has made ANY effort in getting in touch with you in recent months, please elaborate to the league on how you responded and or how you will respond. Dusty: The one that got away. That's easy. Alison Iken. It was sophomore year of high school, and I was obviously desperate. Sorry to those who are currently humping her in the league. The truth hurts, as a wise man once said. She didn't put out, if that's any concellation (that much, that is). This is going to be my final question Dusty. You have been a good sport. Your candor has been appreciated. Interviewer: 8) Where did you and Michael Crandall go wrong? Was this another feather to the allegations of you being a closet homosexual? Will there be a reckoning? Is it water under the bridge? Is there still remorse? I mean, what exactly is your relationship with Michael Crandall? Is bloodshed eminent? Could you please Chronicle this relationship starting from the first time you met online to present day. Will the league ever see an Interviews with Dusty with Michael Crandall being in the hot seat? Dusty: Crandall. I don't know if he deserves the final interview, but if it makes you happy, then I'll make it happen. The ball will be in his court in the remaining few weeks. I still hate that putz. Interview With Bart (Chuck) Berry Published on 6/10/01 Dusty: 1) After meeting many of the members of our league, what is your overall impression of the league members? Are you worried of catching any diseases, ie. from Luger, aka Scott Masin? Bart: Overall I think its a group of good eggs!.......Dont diss my boy Bubba.......anyone that uses velcro sandles to play golf in, is OK by me! Besides he came up big for our second place team with timely Galf shots. That and he brought his box o' love with him. Dusty: 2) How was it playing with your partner Maynerd, aka Scott Chelist? Would you choose him again, in retrospect? Do you think he led to your team's ultimate demise? Bart: See above! Dusty: 3) How does it feel being the second oldest member of the league, next to Robert Cunningham (that pussy)? How old are you, for the record? Bart: Feels pretty good..........No comment! Dusty: 4) Do you confirm or deny the allegation that you were found, in October '93, in a drunken state, humping a polar bear rug? Bart: Hey it was a female polar bear skin! Dusty: 5) What would you consider to be your "home" golf course? For example, my "home" golf course is Creve Coeur. Bart: My home golf coarse is probably Normandie.......I like it because its a lonmg coarse and forces you to hit about every club in yo' bag! Dusty: 6) Have you ever utilized a bidee? (You know, that thing that squirts water on your anus for sanitary purposes.) Bart: Actually yes I have used one b4.............I went to college across the big pond for a year and traveled by train all over Europe, while in France I did try it........and to tell you truth, it wasnt very comfortable..........cuts down on the number of times you have fold tissue over while wiping though. Interview With Jon "Olerud" Oler Published on 4/22/01 Let me preface this week's interview with the fact that I was not impressed with this so-called student of higher learning's responses to my impromptu questions. Although very dissappointing, nonetheless, I feel that his responses will introduce the members of this league to the sad life that this individual leads. Dusty: 1) In reference to your errant shot recently divulged by our Commissioner, do you confirm or deny that the shot was nonetheless the lengthiest drive in your golfing career? (That being 126 yards.) Oler: DENY, DENY, DENY Dusty: 2) How do you respond to the allegation that the only reason your worked at Camp Ramah was to attempt to fornicate with Jay F.'s sister? Oler: Again, deny Dusty: 3) Do you feel that you will remain atop the leaderboard for the remainder of the season, and what would you do with the substantial earnings in the event that you are the overall victor? Oler: No, I don't think I will remain #1 for the rest of the season. However, if I do win, I will most likely use the money to build a monument in honor of me. Dusty: 4) Who is your favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? (No, you cannot include Splinter.) Oler: Donnatello Dusty: 5) Would you consider becoming my golfing partner in the Nino Memorial - St.Louis? Oler: no Dusty: 6) What is your opinion of Nino Soprano's Fantasy Baseball League? Oler: Too much of a pain in the ass to keep up with the rest of the members and there knowledge of the game, but cool while I was in it. Dusty: 7) Your prediction with regard to the winner of the Stanley Cup is: Oler: Caps Interview With Dr. Mike "Traubio" Traub Published on 4/08/01 What's up? You will be the featured interviewee this week, but first, you must answer the following set of questions. Thank you, in advance, for your cooperation: Dusty: 1) As a doctor, you deal with people of varying "persuasions." Is it true that your brother, David, has partaken in multiple butt-lovin' experiences with James Hooker and Eli Abeles? Traub: I am very proud to have a brother who is both a giver and a taker. That is an admirable quality in a young businessman. I understand that he is a giver when he is with Eli. However (and anyone who has ever spent time with James can understand why) David tends to assume the catcher's position with James. In following the MLB umpiring changes, David has enlarged his strike zone for the coming year. Dusty: 2) Clubbing. Its part of the young male's life in the 21st century. Do you admit to, or in the alternative, deny the allegation to having sex at a club on Washington Street in downtown St. Louis? Is it true that the fornication stain forced the department of health to use emminent domain and shut down the premises? Traub: I have no comment on what may or may not have taken place on New Year Eve (s) of the past. I can only state for the record that I have had no intimate relations with parking meters on Washington Avenue Dusty: 3) What is the capital of Peru? Traub: I think that everyone is well aware that the capital of Peru is Lima, a large bean producing town on the coast just outside the Andes Dusty: 4) Of the multiple kosher for Passover dishes present at a traditional "seder," what is your favorite one and why? Is it true that Phyllis (your mother) is sometimes referred to as "gefillte fish pie" by Gary (your father)? Traub: Yes, I have heard that name used by my father. Actually, it is a misnomer. The name used more often in our house is gefillte flesh pie, the slang term. However, phyllis happens to resemble home cooked geffilte fish, unlike that cheap, store bought type, covered in gelatinous slime, often referred to in the St. Louis community as Barb. Dusty: 5) What is the difference between parsley and pussy? Traub: There is no real difference except that parsley is clean enough to be eaten at the Passover table. Dusty: 6) Will you continue to remain atop the leaderboard throughout the remainder of the season? Traub: I wouldn't want to speculate on the remainder of the season. The bigger question is whether, along with my partner, Games, will I remain atop the leaderboard at the Nino Memorial. I think we all know where the money is. Bring it on. Interview With Howie "Meatloaf" Kremer Published on 3/11/01 Howie, you have been selected for this week's INTERVIEW WITH DUSTY. How do you feel about that? (That was rhetorical.) Do you know what that means? (Also, rhetorical.) Now, down to business. Please answer the following questions, preferably within the space provided. Feel free to elaborate upon yes or no questions, and creativity is praised. Dusty: 1) Some people opt out of getting a high school degree and choose a more practical, "hands on" route, for example through a technical school. Todd Masin, Scott aka LUGER's brother, is a clear-cut demonstration of an individual who chose this route. Incidentally, look where it got him today. He is revered by all. Is it true, that you and your family contemplated this option early in your educational career? Meatloaf: Yes we did opt to go that route only because i had to take 7th grade three times. But in the end I just resulted to doing sexual favors for one of my teachers. He was nice! Dusty: 2) Do you even need a pulse to be admitted to Bradley University? Meatloaf: There are a few ways that one can be admitted into Bradley. Successfully spelling the word "Library", or giving the information on your fake id correctly. and finally, shaving off your pubic hair and wearing them as sideburns for the first week of school. Dusty: 3) Restaurant food safety is an increasingly hot topic on various current event shows such as 20/20 and INSIDE EDITION. You had first hand experience with this segment of American industry while employed by Red Robin, a restaurant located in Chesterfield, MO. Do you confirm or deny the allegation that you deep-fried your pubic hairs and passed them off as chinese noodles in various Oriental salad entrees? Is it also true that the "creamy" Italian dressing was more than unsuspecting customers bargained for? Meatloaf: Unfortunatly, these allogations are true. Although, i want to set the record straight they were not my pubic hair, they were hairs from adam schweizer, i mean no, they were a friends, yeah, a friends hair. the cream however was my own. i like to tickle my elmo before i get my hands elbow deep in food. it refreshes me and calms me down. i like to do that before going to camp as well and playing with kids. sometimes i dont clean up all the way, i guess that is what it was. oops!! Dusty: 4) Do you or don't you abuse America's youth? Various area camp directors have their suspicions. Meatloaf: Again this is true, during all those times my group was late for activities, i was teaching them about masturbation and showing them techniques. towards the end i could not get them to stop, but they were working with each ohter during these activities which was good. I especially enjoy small boys. Dusty: 5) Sexually transmitted diseases are spreading like wild-fire in the high schools of the midwest, and over 60% of all high schoolers have, at one time or another, engaged in anal sex. What is your opinion of Alison Kremer's (your sister) boyfriend's name, ANAL INTRUDER? Meatloaf: Ummmm, yeah, about that....The Mr. Intruder you speak of is my sisters boyfriend, but i dont blame him for the herpes, and syphillis he gave to my sister because i gave them to him. he was my first true love. He is so nice. i am nothing without him. OY!! Dusty: 6)Will you encourage others to join this league next year and why? Are you happy with your performance? Meatloaf: Yes! I want to try to get a couple of my friends here in it next year. THis league is fun and gives me a good laugh nearly everyday. i am excited to see who the big winners on. keep your eyes our for the RUFF PUTTERS. they are the sleeper this year. Interview With Josh "Techno Twan" Polsky Published on 2/25/01 Dusty: So, how many years have you been in the league, and are you happy that you chose to join in 2001? Twan: I have been in the league for 2 years now. Since the money I used to enter the league was free fantasy football money anyway, I can't feel anything but fantastic about being in the league. In fact, every time I start to think about the league, I start to glow. Dusty: What is the country formerly known as Zaire delineated in the present? Twan: I answer the second question with another question. What is the average wingspan of a swallow? Dusty: How do you feel about the ball-busting that has transpired to date in the Fantasy Golf League? Who do you hate the most at this point? Who have you grown to love? Twan: As far as the ballbusting is concerned, I feel that some people think that just because we're on the internet, they think there is no crossing the line. Thus they feel they can't get their ass beaten because this happens in "virtual reality". Out of the ballbusting, certain people have crossed the line. I'm not going to mention any names, but Nino walks the fine line eveytime he writes. Oh yeah, if I was A.J., I would have skinned Dave Hoffman's punk ass a long time ago. I think the person that I've grown to love, aside from myself, is Crandall. This guy is funny. Dusty: What do you think of Hooo-train's success thus far in the season? Twan: What do I think of Hooo-Train's success? I don't care. My team is in no position to be critical of anyone's team, except the three degenerates doing worse than me. Dusty: Name a relative of a member of this league that you would most want to receive a blow job from and (of course) why: Twan: I think the person I would most like to get a BJ from is Kirk Weil's mom. Not because I think she's hot, no no, far from it. Just so that when Kirk starts talking shit, I can be like, "Talk all you want mokey boy, but I when I sprayed your mom's face, hair, and tits, she said 'you're so much better than Kirk'." Dusty: What is your favorite color? Twan: My favorite color is the black and blue on Dave hoffman's girlfriend after I gave her a donkey punch. Dusty: Who do you predict to win the Master's this coming April? Twan: Jean Van de Velde or Sergio Garcia is going to win the Master's. Dusty: What do you think of Robert Cunningham, the native from Erie, PA? Twan: Did the cut Cunningham from the Cowboys yet?