Saturday, August 29, 2020 at The Quarry at Crystal Springs Golf Course Maryland Heights, Missouri

Yet another Nino Memorial is in the books, and Nino is still with us. Go figure. The 2020 pandemic-affected event was held in the Missouri River Bottoms at the stunning Quarry at Crystal Springs golf course. Despite various planning challenges brought on by both the virus and Judge Toolman's classic scheduling snafus, this was the second most well-attended event since Dusty's first (or was it his second?) bachelor party at the Club of Wentzville. Sixteen (16) competitors were originally scheduled to golf in the 19th annual event, but fifteen (15) ultimately attended after Andy "Don't Call Me Shirley" Spector dropped out, unannounced, on the morning of the event. He has still not been heard from as of the submission of this piece to the editor. As a result, Eric Swillinger, Scott "Maynard" Chelist, and Jaeson "Nino" Becker joined together to make a three-some. As Swilly is very much into threesomes, everything worked out quite nicely for all concerned parties.

The victors of this year's scramble were Aaron "Denmark" Vickar and Dr. Matt "does your back hurt" Berman who skated to the title with a score of six (6) over par. This was one of the worst winning scores in NM history, which is a testament to the challenging nature of the course. It should be noted that Denmark is now the oldest champion in NM history. Tim Spiegelglass was happy to cede said record.

Second place was a tie between two squads. Team Chef Goyardi, comprised of Jon "Jonboy" Hoffman and Dane "Eskimo Bro" Kearns shot a +9, along with Team Threesome. A disappointing third place (+10) was logged by Tim "Eagleglass" Spiegelglass and Dave "Dusty" Hoffman. After Hoffman was shifted from the Zoeller to Trevino flight due to the substitute appearance by Brian Oberman, Spiegelglass thought he had another championship in the bag. However, he was sorely mistaken as Hoffman lived up to his history as the worst Hoffman-family golfer in the St. Louis metro area. Tied for third was the team of Bryan "You Can't Handle the Truth!" Sanger and Phil "CHiP" Ruben. CHiP had been hoping to finish higher than third place in his lackluster tournament career. Perhaps he can do so next year. Robbie "I am not" Mentle and Jeff "Smailz" Small squeaked out a +12, narrowly avoiding last place. And, this year's Golden Douches were awarded to Brett "Noodles" Bunsick and Brian "Obes" Oberman aka Gordita. Bunsick was the most disappointing player at the tournament in 2020, going from first in 2019 to worst in 2020. His wife would not sleep in the same room with him following the scramble as a result of his disappointing performance.

Of course, the tournament maintained its storied tradition of holding the closest to the pin and long drive events. Swilly nailed the long drive on No. 8 smoking one down the middle of the fairway. He did pass the post-event steroid monitoring urine test, despite rumors of juicing in the off-season. Vickar and Smailz were equidistant on the closest to the pin No. 6 par three. Vickar conceded the award to Smailz, figuring he should not cheat for both the overall title and the proximity competition.

All participants are looking forward to a less-socially distant 20th anniversary edition of the Memorial, and are already brainstorming locations out of town.

dh